I'm laying in bed with my headphones in, reading some fanfiction and I smile when I hear the sound of Fireflies by Owl City chime in my ears. I can't help but smile. 2009-2010 was a much simpler time for me and I miss it nearly every day just because of the simplicity (I recently found out that I have a co-worker that's still in high school and that blew my mind back and all I could say was, "HOW IS HIGH SCHOOL KYLIE?! ISN'T IT GREAT TO LIVE A SIMPLE LIFE WITHOUT BILLS TO PAY?!"). I know. It was a bit excssssive and extra (would I be me if I wasn't extra??) but when my anxiety gets pretty bad, I regress.
If you're not familiar with the term or behaviors, regression is a defense mechanism where people go back and behave the way they did when they were less stressed out. Throughout the years, I've had some easier times with it and then there were times where I didn't think I was going to pull out of it. I would step back into my teenage angst where I'd curl up in bed and spend my days watching the Twilight Saga (for years I've been able to quote the movies word for word) along with Juno and Jennifer's Body (the way Juno and Jennifer spoke always stuck with me for some reason and I loved how blunt they were. The characters grew to become apart of my personality and I picked up some of their mannerisms in a time where I was trying to figure out who I was). And I even spent my time blaring music by the Runaways (Joan Jett from Joan Jett and the Blackhearts band back in the early 70s) and I'm sure as hell not, "sweet sixteen and a rebel queen and I look real hot in my tight blue jeans". I still love the Runaways, but my days as a Cherry Bomb are over. Hello Daddy, hello Mom, Imma sit my old, decrepit ass down somewhere.
I miss the days where I'd be so hyped up to get ready to cheer and feel like a total bad ass as cheer captain in high school. Sometimes I miss that "chest out, head held high," threatening lives over the tiniest 32 uniform (1 of our 9, the little yellow one with the straight skirt and it was named 32 because they cost $3200). I miss the way it used to hug my hips, but pregnancy had to go all Jessica Rabbit on my ass. I swear I miss waiting for that skirt to get bigger and bigger because my workouts were perfect and swinging my hips to the sound of cheer music (you would have never thought I had social anxiety because every time I got in front of those crowds, I ate that shit up), and my splits will never leave my memory, but I literally need to pop 1600mg of Ibuprofen before I even think about it. I miss the big bows and my signature tiny bow when I'd do something simple like curling my hair (to me, I was the cutest thing in the room when I would blow a kiss and flash a smile to the crowd when my name was called). It took some time, but I came to terms with the fact that high school is long gone, but damn I used to worry about some silly shit. I loved all 14 years that I cheered, but I realized that it was a mask. Cheerleaders are expected to smile and be positive and energetic. Every time I put on that uniform, I had to be a hard ass, positive, I had to smile, pretend to be happy, and be nice and polite. We didn't like to think about it, but we were even being sexualized and the thought of a grown man staring me up and down like a piece of meat usually resulted in me curled up in the shower at the end of the night vomiting or crying because I felt so filthy. It felt like I had a totally different personality and that wasn't healthy for me in the least bit. I deeply love Ms. Cathy Jack and everything she taught me about being classy even when it's difficult. But my time as a Mount View High School cheerleader came and it went and I'm thankful.
I even long for the days where my sister Alexis and I would spend the weekends doing our make up for iPod photoshoots with everyone gushing over how we looked so much alike. We'd also spend the mornings peeling ourselves off of the bed when we would stay up getting to know each other just talking until the sun came up (if you must know, we bonded over the Marilyn Manson rib cage rumor and Guitar Hero played on a Play Station 2). We'd wait for Daylight by Matt and Kim to play on MTV and Vh1 before we'd dive into bed. I terribly miss the days where Mia and I would walk around quoting Jersey Shore (Mia still takes t-shirt time seriously to this day. Imagine when we had to explain the shirt before the shirt to Thomas).
I'm getting better because my regression also causes me to be impulsive. After Draven was born when I was under an intense amount of stress, I dyed my hair red out of nowhere (and I walked around looking like Ronald McDonald for 6 months and nobody told me how awful it was). When I was 13, thinking I was a bad ass, I pierced my lip with an earring stud. Of course my mom found out and made me close it up (but dammit if I didn't think I was hot shit when I strolled the halls of Mount View Middle with my piercing that I did all by myself). That summer after my first heart break, somehow I convinced my mom to let me get my nose pierced professionally (SHOUT OUT TO MAD HATTER TATTOOS). I pierced my lip again when I was 16 when my relationship with her was horrible and that time was for keeps and even though it was impulsive, it's still my favorite part of myself. It was also the time when I thought a blonde Wiz Khalifa strip in the front of my hair was a good idea. At 15, I got my first tattoo (the idea came from a drawing on a school desk) and sometimes I regret getting it on my right boob because I know I was just trying to be grown. Then there was the time I disappeared on everyone for nearly 24 hours and was 45 minutes away from home (that's a different story for a different time).
It was all fun and games but at this point in my life with Draven being one of my best friends, I don't have to go into hiding because I can share these things with him. The biggest thing that tops it all off for me is hearing Helena by My Chemical Romance that was my go to song when I felt low. I always felt like it tugged at that part of me that wanted to commit suicide and no one would miss me. It screamed to me that if I would have gone through with it, I would ultimately tear apart the lives of anyone who cared about me and that is why it will forever be apart of the soundtrack to my life (make sure whoever is in charge of my funeral plays it during the service or I'll come back and haunt the shit out of them).
I used to hate change so much, but I'm starting to see that those things really do happen for a reason. As human beings, we are meant to change. We have possibilities and it wouldn't be natural for us to remain forever frozen. People die, friends drift apart, and you outgrow things and it's okay to reminisce, but you have to let go at some point. I was obsessed with being a teenager. I was a total cliche'. When I was a kid, I would cry myself to sleep at the thought of how things were changing. But now I have more reasons to live and things to look forward to in life. Hell, I'm already getting excited for grandchildren. And I'm ultimately thankful that I've been able to see that yes, things were much more simple for when I was a teenager, but I was not created to remain frozen.