So, it's been a while. I hate taking really long breaks but shit happens. And when you're in the middle of a pandemic and you just so happen to be a nurse with a five year old in kindergarten and a one year old that isn't in daycare and is teething, and a house that constantly looks like it's been hit by a hurricane, you have your hands full. I just haven't found the motivation to actually sit down and do something other than drawing on a blank sheet of paper.
Surprisingly I've been trying to find more to do as far as like getting up and getting out of the bed, not letting my days go to waste. I've finally had the chance to clean my house and I'm realizing that I'm a hoarder. I've been doing more stuff with the boys. I've basically been carrying on like I usually do while everyone else was acting like the world was going to end because of the Corona virus. Work was dead and we weren't seeing any patients. It was pretty boring apart from the fact that everyone's anxiety was through the roof. It was absolutely ridiculous. It was almost impossible to go to the store and there was not a single fucking sheet of toilet paper anywhere. I still have no fucking idea why everyone was hoarding toilet paper, so if you find out, hit my line and let me know. The Flu literally kills hundreds of people a year. There are people dying because of HIV and AIDS. People act like Hepatitis is just another thing that everyone walks around with. It's insane how many people walk around passing Chlamydia from one person to the next on a daily basis, but this scares them. OK.
I don't get into politics and I don't spend my time looming over conspiracy theories. But the government is getting the exact response from people that they wanted when the news broke about the virus. All we knew, even as healthcare workers, was that there was a new virus that was spreading from another country. People were experiencing fever, body aches, cough, and shortness of breath, getting tested, and receiving positive test results. And then they were dying, like literally dropping like flies. We didn't know what was happening to these people between the onset of their symptoms and their untimely deaths. People were remaining calm for the most part until they raised the panic by letting everyone know that there was a shortage of things like masks, gloves, and even ventilators and if a ventilator is needed for someone during their stay at the hospital, very rarely will they come out alive depending on their age.
So in the good old United States of America, spreading news about death and the fear of the unknown, and a shortage of ANYTHING, you're going to get panic. A lot of people lost their shit and it was us healthcare workers that had to pay the price. We we're going on I don't know how many weeks of getting to work and getting asked the same questions every single day before we set foot into the building. Once our shift begins, we spend the next eight hours or more asking other people those same questions. But coming into the medical field, we were trained to handle situations like this so it wasn't that much of a problem, but it was definitely exhausting. The really sad part about it is lot of people didn't start showing appreciation to us as nurses until the Corona virus hit. We started getting discounts and free products from different companies, shout out to Crocs and McDonald's! But people were actually breaking their necks to treat us like we were important because they were scared shitless.
And I do appreciate the people that had very kind words to say and I do appreciate the businesses that decided to do something to show their appreciation. I'm glad that people took a step back to look at the fact that we were getting up every single day, risking our health and the health of our families that could have consisted of small babies and children to elderly parents and grandparents. At any given moment, we could have passed something on to anyone that was considered immunocompromised like a diabetic friend no matter how old they were, or simply just a pregnant friend, or a loved one with cancer. There are so many germs, diseases, and viruses that we could bring haul around with us and have to live with the guilt of it if we got someone sick. But we couldn't help feeling that way. When the rest of the world was battling anxiety, so were we. We didn't know what to do. I know that there were plenty of days that Kayla and I just sat there staring blankly at our computer screens, both of us fighting the urge to go into a frenzy because of the fear of the unknown. Things were changing on a daily basis. One minute you couldn't travel out of the tri-state area. Then you couldn't travel more than 100 miles. Now, thankfully, they've kept it consistent by making sure that you haven't traveled outside of the country.
So many of us, whether you worked in the medical field or not, were scared to death when it came to getting laid off. At this point, job security no longer existed until they slapped a title on those of us that HAD to stick around and they called us "essential workers." We've always been essential. It doesn't take a fucking pandemic to shine some light on that.
But I'm thankful for the work family than I have. Every single day, we all come marching in feeling like we're about to suffocate because have to wear a mask constantly. Taking off a surgical mask has replaced the relief of taking off my bra at the end of a long day. In the very beginning, we were all that we had to keep us calm. When the schools were cancelled and the kids were going to finish the rest of the year from home, it was incredibly helpful to actually come to work and talk about it with other co-workers that were also parents that were experiencing the same frustration.
I'm thankful for my family and I'm glad that my mom and brother were able to stay home. If the two of them and Draven didn't need to be out there in all the chaos, then home was the absolute best place for them. Draven and Devin are a lot closer now than I could have ever imagined. They've literally become best friends. They've both developed significantly and I honestly think that it's because of how much time they've spent around each other and the strength of their bond at this point.
It's a huge relief to see that the rest of the world has calmed down and they aren't going to extreme measures to prevent the spread of the virus. You see kids playing outside and riding bikes again. You can see families walking around at the parks together or just seeing them on social media spending a night inside watching movies together. You never really cherish the little things or pay much attention to every single detail about those around you until you're forced to be around them constantly. And while it seems sad that people are forced to be around one another, my family has handled it well. We've always had a good time being around each other, but quarantine has kicked it up a notch. Hell, we even had a birthday party for Draven at home that ended with a Nerf gun battle.
So now I'm curious as to what's going to happen when everything goes back to normal if it ever goes back to normal. Of course I'm just like everybody else. I like the stimulus checks and they were a blessing and it's been a huge relief to not have to panic when it comes to paying bills and having something terminated because you got laid off or your hours were cut.
We can finally go to the grocery store and see toilet paper on the shelves as well as soap and hand sanitizer. I've never in my life seen people buy so much soap. But if you work in retail or with the public in general then you know that I'm not really complaining. If it takes a pandemic to get people to buy soap and wash their hands and their asses, then I'm not going to complain at all. Of course we still see those jackasses that walk around wearing gloves everywhere they go, not realizing that they're spreading germs all over the place when the goal is to prevent the spread of your own germs to everyone around you. Hopefully that shit will die down soon too.
As for me, I'm outside of my element. I've literally been home cleaning and doing stuff that I would have never thought about doing. I've tossed half of my wardrobe away in an attempt to clear out the clutter in my house. I've scrubbed my kitchen from top to bottom. I've been decorating a lot more, and hopefully I'll come to terms with the fact that I have obsessive compulsive disorder.
I've just been strutting my cute little ass around, wearing a mask that makes me feel like I'm about to pass out and fogs up my glasses to the point of being almost blind when I'm walking around, with nothing visible but my big ole brown eyes. Everything going on around me has opened those big brown eyes of mine even wider.
Am I okay? Sometimes. I think so anyway. Little by little I'm telling myself that I need to plan things out and get my shit together to feel like I have more structure in my life to keep me from feeling so overwhelmed all the time. It's truly not been the chaos from the rest of the world that has left me feeling beat down and broken. I'm coming up on year 24 and 25 is how old I've wanted to be to be able to get my ass in gear to be ready to further my career.
Am I ready to further my career? Hell. Yes. Draven and Devin are growing and they're growing fast. They're gaining their independence that I've wanted them to have before I took the time to focus on becoming a Certified Nurse Midwife. I've got a dependable vehicle, a job that I love, and my family standing behind me. There's no reason why I shouldn't be ready. I've even come to terms with Devin being my last baby even though I want to have a daughter when it's all said and done. But all of those key aspects have blocked out everything and everybody that isn't useful. It's time for me to give my babies the life that everyone said I would never be able to give them. They didn't ask to be here and I owe them the world.
Am I happy? Somewhat. I hope to be now that I've sat down and decided to write again. I'm letting go of stupid shit and stupid people so I can be happy. It's just proven to be absolute torture to try to hang on to people and situations because of the place that I think they hold in my life. To put it simply, people are shitty. I can be shitty and people have been shitty to me. But, I do have my share of good and healthy relationships, I am important to somebody, I don't have to feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and I don't have to feel like I'm being thrown away like a piece of trash. Now, I let the boys run me wild and I try to get up and do more physically at work and at home. Physical exhaustion and being able to lay down at night and rest peacefully only to wake up feeling refreshed beats the hell out of being emotionally and mentally exhausted and crying yourself to sleep at night only to wake up feeling the need to hide your puffy eyes from the rest of the world. I don't have to feel exhausted because I'm trying to keep up with other people and it's been fucking beautiful. I'm getting used to being alone and there's not an ounce of depression or panic in sight.
Am I sleeping and eating well? Nope. Not one damn bit. Am I able to cope appropriately with whatever is going on around me appropriately? Not exactly. But I'm learning. Even if I have to feel a little bit of pain every now and then, I'm using it to help me grow.
There's so much shit yet to come for me. I don't need anyone by my side besides the people that have always been cheering for me. This year isn't even halfway over and I can finally see my goal after so many years of dreaming about it. And thankfully, with everyone feeling like their own world was shutting down with so much uncertainty of what is to happen with their future, I've gotten the chance to take a step back and focus on my own and the future that's in store for me.
